Blog Title: SportsBlah.com

Opt out, please.

0-19 in your last nineteen post-season AB's. Nice. Really good job. That's ok though, the playoffs don't matter. No one really cares about them that much anyway. Oh, and was there any doubt in my mind you would strike out on ball four with Abreu on 2nd in the 9th in what is essentially a must-win game? Actually, I thought you were going to ground out to third. But whatever, it doesn't matter because "a player isn't judged on post-season performance alone." Right. Especially not in New York.

So can you please, PLEASE not be such a bitch and get a hit in the playoffs one of these days. Seriously, we Yankee fans want to love you. Really we do. So stop tucking it back, put some pine tar on your helmet and drive in some fucking runs. Thank you.

Friday Bears Talk

In the magical place I work, we have no dress code. Well, mesh shirts and cock rings are frowned upon, but outside of that, they trust us to make sound wardrobe decisions. Jeans or shorts, and t-shirts are the garments of choice for me. What's my point? Well, I have this Chicago Bears t-shirt (pictured) that I occasionally wear to work. But it's a strange phenomenon. Everytime. I mean EVERYTIME I wear this shirt, at least one person looks at it and feels the need to say, out loud, "DAAAA BEARZ!" That's one person, minimum. Usually at least three. It's cute. In the same way rhinoceros attacks are cute. I get it, it was a funny skit. Let's move on. Every time I walk by the chubby girl who blew half of my company's finance department, I don't blurt out "FAAAT WHORE!" do I? No. I giggle quietly to myself and I picture them picking the remnants of a ham sandwich out of their pubes. But I keep it to myself.

Anyway, Bears are 1-1. I can't tell you how annoyed I was that we lost to the fucking Chargers, yet the Patriots defeated them soundly. Rex needs to learn how to handle that blitz, although his checking down seems to have improved. Big test this Sunday against the Cowboys. Their soft secondary should prove quite essential in the Bears plans of scoring touchdowns via the pass via Rex's arm via Bernard Berrian's hands. So if Rex can't produce, I will start to worry. I'm also glad the game is on NBC. One, because I think they do a relatively good job of covering the game. But also, because I don't live anywhere remotely near Chicago, nor do I have Direct TV (yet). So if I want to watch Bears games, I'm at the mercy of the networks, which sucks the fattest one you can imagine. Although ... if any Bears fan out there knows where I can watch a live stream of the game online and would like to fire me an email, that would be wonderful. Purely in theory though.

What has made my sweatpants bulge ferociously of late is that sweet, cuddly little Bears defense. In fact, for fun, let's recap the "running backs rendered useless" list.

LaDanian Tomlinson ... check.
Larry Johnson ... check.
Marion Barber III ... should be fun.

Granted LT is LT and still scored two TD's, but you know, whatever. Of course, the loss of Mike Brown makes me want to weep into my Gary Fencik replica jersey. But, sadly, this is nothing new. So, Danieal Manning, it's your time to shine sir. Alright, should be a good game on Sunday. Add as much clarity to the "who is the best team in the NFC" question as any Week 3 game could do. Bears are not good offensively. Yet. It will get better. Soon. My prediction ... Bears 31, Cowboys 10. That's right. 31-10. Hopefully.

Not Since Todd Benzinger

Being the seventh son of itinerant peach pickers, it's needless to say that finances were constantly tight when I was a kid. It was used books, canned generic string beans (albeit French cut), Go-Bots, Hunt's ketchup and Mello Yello (how I longed for the sugary goodness of Mountain Dew). Along with these domestic bootstrapping efforts, came many more PawSox games than Red Sox games. And, I admit, over the years I came to love that decrepit old stadium in that dying mill town. Chock full of it's amateur oil portraits of old stars, endless supply of souvenir cups commemorating baseball's longest game and it's cigarette man billboard that was constantly in disrepair. I still have occasional, fond nightmares of that armless behemoth razing my childhood Little League field.

Anyway, there was a silver lining to my frugal childhood, as back in the day triple-A was actually a stepping stone in the progression to the majors rather than a place to stash old veterans, Americans returning from the Japanese leagues or those Bull Durham idols just not able to make that final leap. I remember feverishly praying that Rick Lancelotti would one day get his shot at Boston glory and cursing Lou Gorman to damnation each year that the Sox sent him down in spring training. Still, I was able to see a lot of young players learning how to adjust their cups, dribble chaw on their uniforms, glare at umps, ignore kids looking for autographs and generally grow into being a big league player.

Of course more often than not, the Sox would rather trade them for Larry Anderson, Mike Boddicker or Jeff Suppan than actually use these budding gems, so it just warms my cockles to see the Pawtucket pipeline gushing talent this year. Pedroia (sometimes it's easy to forget he's a rookie), Buchholz, Ellsbury, Moss, Cash. Okay, Cash might be a wee stretch and I might be jumping the gun on Moss. And Gammons would disagree, but Dice-K and Okijima are rookies, too, even if they never tasted the fine culinary establishments in Pawtucket.

Obviously, everyone was giddy over Buchholz's no-no, but his previous start against the Angels was almost as impressive, given the Orioles tendency to fold more easily than the Michigan defense (along with Greg's eclectic rooting tastes for the Bears, Yanks, and Celtics, there is also Michigan).

It would be nigh silly to consider keep Manny on the bench in favor of Ellsbury, just think of all the great pitches Papi would see, but I don't think you'd get many complaints about letting him steal at-bats from Drew as long as he keeps raking (Drew has to be hurt right? Cora has a better slugging percentage. Cora!)

Pedroia has more than delivered. It could not have been easy stepping in and starting at second base, especially after his April and May, but he has consistently shown himself to be a real pest and the guardian of Trot's dirt dog image.

Dice-K and Okijima have both earned their keep and I think Dice-K will continue to improve, but it can be brutal to watch him pitch. Glorious one inning, flat, batting practice pitches the next. Still, he's young and that consistent command could develop. At the worst he's a front end starter and it's hard to imagine the Sox with this type of lead without either of these imports.

For such a baseball rich town, it's not often that we get to see rookies come up and truly contribute (exhibit - Ramirez, Hanley). We hear about them and discuss them endlessly for years, but rarely see the end results in a Boston uniform. Every few years, we might see a rookie burst fully formed onto the scene, such as Nomar or Papelbon, but it's been a long time since the Sox have had a rookie class that truly added some value. Looking back at ye olde baseballreference.com, I think '87's group of: Burks (oh how I loved him -- I always thought there was a rule that the Red Sox couldn't steal bases before Burks), Jody Reed, Todd Benzinger, Sam Horn and Mike Greenwell are the next closest thing.

So while I wonder if Ellsbury has to shave once or twice a week, it's nice just see the Sox future on display in Boston, actually playing for our team. The only thing sweeter would have been getting the chance to catch a few games at McCoy first.

Rawr!

Noticed these for sale on Amazon the other night. I imagine they're quite popular with both University of Illinois sororities AND Chicago-area trannies. Either way, they're the panties that say, "SURPRISE!!!"

I'm Not Dead

So, um, hello. How's everyone doing? Sorry I just sort of disappeared after the Super Bowl. But, I'm alive. And so is the Blah. I just needed a break from the whole "blogging" thing. Of course, the smart thing would have been to tell everyone that I'd be taking a 6+ month vacation instead of going the "randomly stop writing altogether" route. Which, by the way, is an awesome way to keep up site traffic. Ah well. But this "no new posts" nonsense has gone on long enough. Now you can tell your friends that the Blah is back. And watch as they stare blankly at you and say, "... what?"

By the way, thank you (I think) for all the emails asking if I killed myself because the Bears lost in the Super Bowl. I responded to some. But for the most part, I just avoided the Blah altogether. Which led to my inbox filling up with 13,000 or so emails. Seriously. Of course, only a sprinkling were from concerned readers. The rest were from eager, highly legitimate companies, and their tempting offers of "stvrech her out wit ur big dikk", "Cheap Meds, Guaranteed Results" and "Re: BSBB&q>!*!B2>?PPB". So if you didn't get a response, I apologize.

Anyway, I'm finding all of this "why I didn't write" nonsense a little awkward. The good news is, I had a lot of things going on. I didn't just sit in a dark room, wearing a Devin Hester jersey, rocking back and forth. For one, plans for redesigning the site have been set in motion. Of course, you see how quickly we do things here, so don't hold your breath (as they say). Also, my penis grew 2" ... wider. Oh, I did a lot of charity work too. In the late Spring, I walked around college campuses and let the hot chicks rub oil on my muscles. I also spent a little over a month teaching prostitutes how to parasail. I mean, you want to talk about rewarding ... those skanks sure are eager to learn.

So, the site is back. Maybe not "writing" "everyday" back. But back nonetheless. Although, I'm not so sure about Mike D. He may be relegated to "guest poster". He's been bunkered down somewhere designing this new-age vibrator with a 10,000 volt back-pack power generator. "The Regulator", I think it's called. I don't know. Anyway, it's my show now. So 60% of the time, I'll be writing every time. And I'm as happy as a girl scout at a pony show.

P.S. I couldn't decide what kind of image to go with. So I opted for "horse running on beach". Because it's romantic. Also because I couldn't find a shot of "horse shitting on beach". But I'll keep looking.

SportsBlah will be back soon.

... Very soon.

I'm Over the Super Bowl Loss

Ok, so maybe I'm not quite over it just yet.

But I will be back to posting relatively regularly. Just wanted to take a little break last week. And since I know nothing about college basketball or the NBA, I figured I'd use the time to touch up on my ass-kicking skills. Oh and as for the whole Peyton and cock thing above? That's all alleged, of course. I mean, when it comes to ol' Mr. Chin Pimples, what do I know? Not much. That's what I say.

Yup, That One Hurt

Wow. That fucking sucked. Seriously, that was awful. What happened? I mean, where did the Bears go? That wasn't them. It was one of those games where I couldn't comprehend what was happening. How did it go from 2nd and 1 to 4th and 23 in 7 seconds? I even changed my shirt at halftime. Wasn't enough. And like an optimistic asshole, I said (with complete seriousness) at the two minute warning, "If we run an interception back for a TD then recover the onside kick, we have a chance." Of course, the complete opposite of that happened. Fucking shit. That really, really, REALLY sucked.

Colts vs. Bears ... Super Bowl Prediction

Last year, when the Bears lost to the Panthers in the NFC Championship game, I cried forcefully wrote about it here. It was a post called Bears Lose. And, well, that Blows. In it, I compared the loss to having intercourse with a supermodel (sort of) and made some sort of poop/alligator comment ... it's how I cope. And while it felt like each member of the Panthers had just fired rusty shards of scrap metal into my testicles, I knew things would be ok. At the end of the post, I wrote this:

"...But hey, let's put things into perspective. The Bears may have lost the game, but mark my words: They have not lost their awesomeness. In fact, it's just the begining. This was a preview of things to come. You think Luke became a Jedi overnight? Did He-Man defeat Skeletor in one day? Did that kid who played Fez on that 70's Show get into Lindsay Lohan's pants in one afternoon? No. Their awesomeness grew over time. You think the Bears were good this year? You just wait. You'll be hiding under your bed by Week 7 next year ..."

The Bears. The Super Bowl. The Gameplan.

You know what's cute? How everyone thinks the Colts and Patty Manning are going to win. It was incredible how everyone hopped on Manning's dick as soon as Indy made the Super Bowl. And while that's still the case, as the weeks have passed, the Colts bandwagon has slightly started to thin out. Yet, they are still the favorites. Check out the "SportsNation". Everything is red except for the entire state of Illinois, and a single blue dot in Massachusetts (Hi!). Of course, how can you really blame people, what with Indy's historical dominance in the postseason ... (pause, roll eyes for effect, pause a bit longer) ... And so the story continues. The Bears get no love. That's fine. Like I've said it before, I'd rather be the underdog.

So, as I read all these Super Bowl articles, from fluff pieces to game analysis to Peyton cock rubbing, there have been a bevy of "experts" who seem to have their own "How each team can win" ideas. But since I lack a pHD in "Vapid Bullshit" from ESPN University, I am probably not considered a card carrying member of the "expert" club. But I am an expert at kicking ass and wooing the ladies. So, you know, take that for what it's worth. Anyway, despite what the masses think, the Bears match up very well against the Colts. Here are a few things I think they need to do to win this game.

1. Master the Basics. Establish the run, benefit from the play action and exploit the Indy secondary, play tight, aggressive D and make sure the middle of the field isn't exposed. Of course, with all the "Dallas Clark must get involved in the middle of the field" articles, I don't think the Bears will be surprised by him. Ok, that one was easy. What else?

2. Get physical with the Indy receivers. Jam those bitches on the line. Rough them up. "Bam! Bam! Bam! All day long foot up a dog's ass." (Friday, 1995). Hopefully Manning Jr., Tillman & Co. have devoured vintage footage of Rodney Harrison putting on a "How to handle Marvin" clinic. Throwing him around like a ho who didn't have his money. Disrupt the receivers timing. Let the Bears D-Line welcome Manning to Miami the proper way.

3. Tea Bag Peyton Manning. It's all about getting into Manning's head. And I strongly believe that a salty ballbag slapped on Peyton's lips might do just that. Worth the 15 yard penalty? Probably. "Unsportsmanlike conduct. Number 96. Illegal lowering of testicles into facemask of the Walking Vagina. 15 yard penalty. 1st down." It's the little things. They sack Manning ... maybe they fire a fart into his mouth. Or maybe they just whisper sweet nothings into his ear like, "Eli is your mom's favorite." ... "I heard your dad jerked off Tom Brady with his lips" ... "I just wiped pre-cum on your towel." Things like that. Just to get him thinking.

4. Don't fuck up too much. Hold onto the ball. Tackle. Don't be stupid. "The Fundamentalios" as the Spanish say. When the Bears establish the run, play aggressive defense and take what's given to them, they win. They just have to play smart. Everyone is so "worried" about Rex Grossman all the time. But I think he'll be fine. So long as he isn't exhausted from plowing chicks all week. ESPN, of course, has to run these ridiculous and unimaginative "Who is the worst quarterback ever to lead his team to the Super Bowl?" polls. And of course, Rex Grossman is on there. Everyone seems to forget Sexy Rexy is in his first full year as a starter. And the Bears are in the fucking Super Bowl. Please, suck my dick ESPN.

5. Stop doing the "jump shot" celebration. This has nothing to do with winning or losing. More of just a general statement to the league. This is one of the most ridiculous celebrations I've ever seen. If you're going to emulate other sports, at least mix it up. Maybe pretend you're turning a double play, or firing a slapshot. Or even better, pretend you're bowling or playing darts. Can you imagine the confusion on everyone if Devin Hester runs a kickoff back for a TD and he pretends he's putting on the 18th hole in the final day of the Masters. Crouches down, lines it up. Crouches back down. Commercial break. Back to the game. Still lining up his put. Checks with Ogunleye. Crouches. Removes a piece of grass. Lines it up. Puts. That would be incredible. So please, enough with the jump shots. I know they've been dying down as of late. And I'm not like the haters of all that is fun NFL, I'm all for celebrations. Just come up with a new one. Unless it helps the Bears win. Then I don't give a shit.

Obviously, there are other things too. Mix up the defensive schemes. Confuse Patty. Don't stay in cover 2 all game, but don't overuse the nickel and be susceptible to the run. Blitz, but not too much. Don't force the ball downfield. Etc. There is more than just tea bagging Manning. But none nearly as entertaining. Unless they actually shit in his facemask, while he's wearing it. Might be a bit more than a 15 yard penalty though. Then again, maybe not.

Oh man, one more day 'till gametime. Super Bowl prediction post will be up by early afternoon Sunday.

Dreaming About the Bears ... Seriously, I Have Problems

Sorry for the no post yesterday, but I was on the road all day. I was participating in the US Mens Heavyweight Bodybuilding competition. I thought I'd be the clear favorite to win ... but as it turns out, I ended up getting disqualified for being "too muscular". Apparently, my level of physical fitness was determined to be "superhuman" and "unattainable by other mortals" whatever that means. Anyway, here's this dude ended up winning. I totally had this thing.

Anyway, all night last night I kept dreaming about the Bears. It's weird, I know. I'm such a loser. But it's true. And it wasn't one of those normal dreams either, where the Bears win the Super Bowl and I'm at the game and suddenly they point to me in the stands. Then I look around, acting all confused, then point at myself and say, "Me?" And they say, "Yeah" and wave me down to the field. Then I get up, shake the hands of the Mexican family sitting next to me, then mount a dragon that was tied to the back of my chair. I ride down to the field as the stadium fills with cheers and the comforting melody of "The Final Coundown". Then I get to hold up the trophy, throw on a Gary Fencik replica jersey and make out with a completely nude, 18 ft. Jessica Alba while the King of Spain and the Super Mario Brothers applaud from the luxury boxes. No, I didn't have a dream like that at all. Instead, I had weird dreams.

I wish I was making this up ... But I had this one dream last night where I was in a magazine store trying to get the clerk to sell me a Beckett Fantasy Baseball Guide, only he wouldn't. I remember being annoyed and in a rush because the Super Bowl was about to start. He ended up selling it to me for $2.90 (yes, $2.90 ... I don't know why), but told me his last copy was being reserved so he had to order it and it wouldn't be in for 2-5 weeks. Next thing I know, I'm in a department store buying cufflinks. I'm also panicked because the Bears game started an hour ago. And I'm buying fucking CUFFLINKS?!?!!? Only I don't know why.

So I'm buying the stupid cufflinks, hastily trying them on. (By the way, the only time I've ever worn cufflinks is at weddings and on international spy missions. But whatever. And when one purchases them, I don't think there's any trying-of-them-on, is there? I imagine one just points and says, "I'll take those.") Luckily, in this dream, this men's department store had a flatscreen TV showing the game. Only it wasn't the Bears. It was the Bengals vs. the Lions. I remember being completely bullshit at FOX for not showing the Bears game and opting for this one. Even though it was the Super Bowl. "Stupid local game", I said in my dream. But I live in Boston. I don't know, you figure it out.

Suddenly the dream jumped to Bears highlights. They were playing the Packers and they had just stripped Ahman Green of the football. The ball went out of bounds, yet they still gave it to the Bears. Weird. But you know how dreams are. One minute you're banging three supermodels, the next minute you on a spaceship with Boris Yeltsin eating hummus.

Anyway, this went on for, what felt like, hours. Anxious moments, Bears highlights, Beckett fantasy guides, cufflinks ... WTF? Very, very bizarre night. I don't know what that means except that I should probably stop reading so many Bears articles. Or maybe just stop eating Doritos in bed at 2 in the morning. Oh man, I can only imagine how I'm gonna be on Sunday.

Time to Start Getting Pumpered Up, Bears Fans

Ok, so I'm watching this video, which is very good (give it a minute or so to get going, seriously). And I get to the end. The very last frame, the author of the video has a sentence pop up on the screen. I'm not going to lie ... I got a little excited ... since if you look at the first post of our "Most Popular" (over there on the right) you'll see where it originated. Pretty cool. Watch the video. Fast forward to the end if you want to see what I'm talking about. But the video is, in fact good. A bit disjointed at the start like it doesn't know where it wants to go. But then it will pump you up so vigorously, you'll want to go tackle wildlife. Seriously. And look for the end. I really was surprised ... and all giddy like a douche ... all at the same time.

***UPDATE: I apologize that this video is no longer available. Apparently, the NFL doesn't like people getting pumped up about their favorite teams. They also seem to be against celebration, joviality and fun. So, whatever. It was a good video. Light punch to the cheek to whoever put this video together. Way to go, Tiger.

Cities with Best 4-man Teams: THE TOP 5 (Part 2)

Ok, time to finish up with the "Cities with the Best 4-Man Teams" rankings. Had I put them all up at once instead of rambling on for 3,000 words with Honorable Mentions and "Beezer" facts, this topic might have lent itself to a little more debate. Thus far, all I have deduced is that I am an ass for putting Michael Vick in the Atlanta category. Noted. It won't happen again. Anyway, here is the final rankings. As a bonus feature, I'll include all of the Top 10 on here. Then we can all talk. It'll be cute. Like half-naked cheerleaders camping together. Only we won't be wearing half shirts and thongs. That would be ridiculous. Even though I'm 99% muscle. But I'm not one to brag. What was I saying about rambling?

Rankings: 1-5

1. Boston: Larry Bird, Tom Brady, Ted Williams, Bobby Orr
How anti-climactic starting with #1, right? Boy do I know how to build up suspense or what? Here's the deal. This is a very difficult quartet to beat. I went back and forth between Boston and Chicago. But it was Ernie Banks vs. Ted Williams that ultimately broke the tie. More of a 1(b) of sorts. Remember, it's an overall ranking. Feel free to debate. Oh and if Larry Bird doesn't do it for you, swap out Bill Russell. Ted Williams? Try Roger Clemens. Bobby Orr? Mr. Ray Bourque. Tom Brady? Two words ... Steve. Grogan. Yes, the Patriots history is a storied one.

2. Chicago: Michael Jordan, Walter Payton, Ernie Banks, Bobby Hull
It pains me to put any team with Walter Payton on it at #2. It really does. Yes, I live in Boston, but I don't give a shit. I'm a Yankees and Bears fan. Everyone here in the "Commonwealth of" wants me to move as it is. But still, the overall, cumulative ranking gave Boston the slightest of edge. As if the fact that that stupid picture of all the Boston guys we kept using didn't give it away from the start, right? I'm a little lazy. Mike put that together in photoshop and I had no desire to be doing cyber-arts and crafts. Just to mix it up though, I decided to go with a picture of Boston cuff links. Those only go for $160 (wherever I found that image). So you're out $160 and no girl will sleep with you. Sounds like a great idea.

3. Detroit: Isaiah Thomas, Barry Sanders, Ty Cobb, Gordie Howe
When I was making up the list, and I saw Detroit, I couldn't help but say outloud, "Shit, these guys are good." Seriously. Look at that list. One could argue that they could be #1. Of course, I wouldn't listen. Any team with Isaiah Thomas can take a huff of my asshole. Did I mention I'm also a Celtics fan? Although I secretly used to love the Bulls at one point. And the Golden State Warriors before that ... yes, I had issues. Although I fully support the Celtics now. Great choice, right? I'm awesome. Ok, I don't even know what I'm talking about right now.

4. Los Angeles: Magic Johnson, Eric Dickerson, Sandy Koufax, Wayne Gretzky
Not a bad cast of characters. Wasn't sure who deserved the nod at #4, LA or Philly. But Philly booed Bill Burr (O&A fans know what I'm talking about), so there you go. Decision made. Not sure who should represent the NBA here. Magic, Kareem or Wilt. Although Mr. 20,000's worst years were with the Lakers. So that answers that. But James Worthy did have awesome socks. And Kurt Rambis had spoggles, which makes the decision even harder. Football was easy. Chris Everett wasn't cracking this list. Although I'd accept arguments for Deacon Jones. Koufax, no brainer. Gretzky wipes his cock clean on any LA King to ever put on skates.

5. Philadelphia: Julius Erving, Reggie White, Mike Schmidt, Bobby Clarke
I think, although I could be wrong, that in their prime all four of these guys sported moustaches. Which could have, theoretically, catapulted them into the top-3. With criteria like this, I'm starting to understand why I don't get a Hall of Fame vote. "You say you had high socks, spoggles a funny hair cut AND you had a moustache for 12 seasons? ... Well let me be the first to welcome you to the Hall of Fame, sir." By the way, wasn't sure who gets the nod, Schmidt or Carlton. But I think I made the right choice. Somehow Eric Lindros didn't make the list. Maybe one day. Or not.

Anyway, there you go. The Top-5. Just for fun, here's a recap of 6-10.

6. San Francisco: Wilt Chamberlain, Joe Montana, Willie Mays, Owen Nolan

7. New York: Walt Frazier, Lawrence Taylor, Babe Ruth, Brian Trottier

8. St. Louis: Lenny Wilkens, Marshall Faulk, Stan Musial, Brett Hull, Nelly

9. Minneapolis: Kevin Garnett, Fran Tarkenton, Kirby Puckett, Mike Modano

10. Pittsburgh: NBA, Joe Green, Roberto Clemente, Mario Lemieux

There you go. Now discuss. Or don't. I don't give a shit. It's Bears time for the rest of the week. Oh, hello Mr. Boner.

Cities with Best 4-man Teams ... The Rankings (PART 1)

A few weeks ago, Mike D. posed an interesting question. Using one representative from the four major sports, "which city could assemble the Best 4-man team of All-Time?" I've been thinking about it since then and decided to do some rankings. By the way, currently there are 13 cities that have sports teams from the four major sports. Although, they didn't all make the list. Here were the ground rules I followed:

(1) The 4-man team represents one member from each of the four major sports - baseball, football, basketball and hockey. (2) For athletes who have played for more than one team, only the athletes time and playing level/ability during that time in that city is evaluated. For instance, if you're looking at Washington DC, you can use Michael Jordan. Only thing is, you're getting Washington Jordan. Not Chicago Jordan. (3) Rankings are determined by a cumulative average. Some cities are exceptionally strong in some areas (re: New York and baseball), but mind-numbingly weak in others (re: New York and basketball). Therefore, their overall ranking suffers. (4) Only NBA, NFL, MLB and NHL teams are allowed. ABA, CFL, etc. are not.

Simple, right? Good. Here are my rankings.

The Top 6-10:

6. San Francisco: Wilt Chamberlain, Joe Montana, Willie Mays, Owen Nolan
This was a tough one on many levels. First, including the San Jose Sharks in with San Francisco was annoying. Especially considering they are their own city/county/province/state/country? completely independent of SF. Not that it really mattered though. It would probably be the same end result with NHL. Other questions I wondered aloud. Joe Montana or Jerry Rice? Does Wilt Chamberlain belong in Philly? Barry Bonds or Willie Mays? And finally, who the fuck is Owen Nolan?

7. New York: Walt Frazier, Lawrence Taylor, Babe Ruth, Brian Trottier
Seriously, for the biggest city in America, this representation is a bit anti-climactic. How does New York not have a better basketball player than Walt Frazier? Ewing? John Starks? Oh, and in case you were curious, the baseball order was Babe Ruth barely edging out Don Mattingly who edged out Joe Dimaggio by a lot. I'd be willing to listen to Mark Messier debates. But don't sleep on Trottier, as the kids say. He was dope, playa. Or something like that.

8. St. Louis: Lenny Wilkens, Marshall Faulk, Stan Musial, Brett Hull, Nelly
Some might argue that Chingy deserves the nod over Nelly, while others would scoff at that notion, crediting Nelly as the father of the St. Louis-style rap. Also, it was very difficult to leave Gibson off this list. Either way, a strong showing in everything but the NBA puts them at number 8 on this list right hrrr.

9. Minneapolis: Kevin Garnett, Fran Tarkenton, Kirby Puckett, Mike Modano
... ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz. The outfield wall covered with chairs in the Metrodome has more intrigue than this list. While this may shock you, this list is nowhere near flashy, or interesting. Yet, it is strangely solid. By the way, it was a toss up between Puckett, Carew and Killebrew for baseball. Really, you can just swap out your favorite one in there. Although, it won't get you anything, they're still #9.

10. Pittsburgh: NBA, Joe Green, Roberto Clemente, Mario Lemieux
That's right, even without a legit NBA presence, Pittsburgh still cracks the top 10. That is a very impressive 3. Football is debatable, but I think Green gets the nod. If Philly would let them borrow Iverson, they might crack the top 5. Of course, that's not the right Answer. HA! Get it? Answer? Because, you know, ... Iverson? ... Hello? ... Because that's his nickname? ... The Answer ... also what you do to a question ... See what I'm doing there? ... I flipped it? ... No?


Honorable Mention:

Cleveland: LeBron James, Jim Brown, Napoleon Lajoie, NHL
Clearly a victim of not having an NHL presence. Two years of the Cleveland Barons don't really count either. Tough call between Lajoie, Sandy Alomar Jr. and Ben Broussard for baseball. Also if you combined Craig Elho, Mark Price and Brad Daughrety into one 19.2 ft. person, could it beat LeBron? Ok, sorry. Too easy. What if Lebron had a wooden leg and an eye patch, who wins? Ok, fine. Lebron has two eye patches, a wooden leg and no arms. Right, still too easy. Lebron has no legs, no arms, no head ... and they're playing soccer. Lebron. Right. Ok, what if ...

Miami: Dwayne Wade, Dan Marino, Gary Sheffield, John Vanbiesbrouck
For such a big city, that's a really shitty collection of stars. Although, here's the bright spot ... Did you know that "Beezer" is the only player in NHL history who has all 5 vowels in his last name? Clearly that alone should catapult Miami into the top-5. Unfortunately, a poor showing in baseball (thank you, fire sales) and having a 3-year veteran as your NBA representative keeps you out. By a wide margin.

Dallas: Dirk Nowitzki, Emmitt Smith, Pudge Rodriguez, Mike Modano
How does Dallas not have a better showing than this? Football, they've got it covered. But baseball? Juan Gonzalez? Joe Torre's boy-toy Ruben Sierra? Charlie Hough? Nolan Ryan (too many teams)? I must be forgetting something here. How does Houston look? Hakeem Olajuwon, Earl Campbell, Jeff Bagwell, NHL. Kinda dull.

Atlanta: Dominique Wilkins, Michael Vick, Hank Aaron, Ilya Kovalchuck
Tough to keep a city boasting both the "Human Highlight Film" and Hank "the tank" off of any top-10 list. But they can send thank you cards to Ron Mexico (who I went with by default over Jamal Anderson, Deion Sanders, Andre Rison and Chris Chandler) and that Russian guy on the Thrashers. Wilkins and Aaron are the hot chicks. Vick and Kovalchuck ... their fat friends who never leave ... one of which has herpes (allegedly). Roll the dice, wing man. Roll the dice.


On Tuesday ... the top 5. Then probably just random Chicago Bears stuff for the rest of the week. Sorry to break this up, but the post got a little longer than I expected (hehe). Plus, if most SportsBlah readers are like me, they have the attention span of a plastic cup filled with dog urine. Anyway, feel free to comment, disagree, or just tell me how handsome you think I am and how you think I can single handedly take down an elk with nothing but my wry wit. Once again, Top-5 cities on Tuesday. Oh, the anticipation.

Breaking Out at 27. Fact or Propoganda?

So yesterday I'm sitting on the couch with my laptop, bored, mindlessly watching one horse blowjob video after another. A few hours later, I changed course and found myself on a major television network's fantasy baseball site reading some useless, late-January nonsense. As I'm skimming, I see an article topic that annoys me every time. It's the annual "Hey, these are the MLB players who are the magical age of 27 who might break out this year!!!" Ah yes, you know what I'm talking about. The ol' "breaking out at 27" theory. Like tulips and prostitutes wearing white ... this can only mean that Spring is almost upon us.

Now the article itself was, whatever. I'm not linking to it, because this isn't meant to be a critique of the article or the writing (which was fine. Just standard, dumbed down fantasy info). Rather, my intention was to offer up more of a diatribe sprinkled with some profanity (tits ... hehe) on how annoying this topic is. But I will say, the article did have a photo of the writer at the top, which always amuses me. What is that supposed to do? "Gee, I didn't like this article, but the writer has such good cheek bone structure. Now that I think about it, this article was great!!!" Dumb. Anyway, in this photo, he looked to be 30+ something years old and was wearing a backwards baseball hat. Not that I'm against the backward hat, but on a major sports website, it feels a little forced. It gives off that "I'm a cool sportswriter who breaks all the rules ... yet I might still live with my parents and have to pay for sex" kind of vibe. But anyway, that's not the point here.

The point is, this correlation between being 27 and breaking out has always reeked of bullshit. Now I'm sure there's some mathematical findings that may indicate correlation. But there are so many variables involved that taking that data at face value is just dumb. Of course, I'm far too lazy and masculine to prove this theory wrong with things like numbers or research. But I can tell you that I have, in fact, read articles debunking this "27 Breakout" nonsense. I just can't remember where. And I know for a fact that it's that kind of cutting edge journalism that keeps you all coming back to SportsBlah. But in the interest of fun, flip through your Baseball Forecaster and look at the age of most of last year's breakout players. Justin Morneau (25), Joe Crede (29), Robinson Cano (24), Jonathan Papelbon (24) , Jeremy Bonderman (24), J.J. Putz (30), Justin Verlander (24). Although, there was Ryan Howard (26), Garrett Atkins (26) and Matt Holiday (26), which is almost 27. In fact, those three are 27 now, but that happened after the season ended. See? I win.

Ok, I know I'm probably missing some guys who were 27. And you can be all like, "But how many guy break out when they're 27, dude?" And to that I maturely say, "Eat my ass." Then I follow it up with the more rational, "But how many don't? And can age truly be the lead indicator?" I want statistical significance here people. So, I propose we change the "breakout at 27" theory to this:

If you are almost 27, or just after 27, or even 27, you might have a good chance of maybe breaking out possibly. But that doesn't necessarily mean that if you're not 27 you won't be breaking out, because you could, but you might not although you most certainly would be if you did. But if you're 27 the general likelihood of you actually becoming a star would almost maybe increase by the sheer fact that you are, most notably, 27 and/or younger or older. Other variables such as experience, talent level and opportunity are rendered ineffective gauges of breakout potential, unless you are or are not 27 years of age.

The Hangover Lingers

Sorry for the no post yesterday. I was still a little bit amped up from the win on Sunday. All day, all I did was scream out "Bears!!!" and try and rub my erection on anything that moved. Probably a bad day to decide to go to the aquarium. By the way, did you know that most aquariums have a "you cum on it, you keep it" policy? So if anyone is in the market for 2 (slightly confused) penguins or a sand tiger shark, email me. Anyway, if I tried to post anything yesterday, it would have been happiness and bonerification organized into a collection of awkward, misspelled words. Which I guess isn't too far off from my usual nonsensical ramblings. Either way, I was still in a little bit of hangover mode. So, you know, whatever.

Anyway, that was a crazy AFC game Sunday night, eh? Incredible to see ARod Patty Manning grow a set of man balls and finally beat the Pats. Early on, though, when he threw that INT to Samuel, I found myself just shrugging and saying, "This fucking guy ... Unbelievable." Not that I gave a flying shit either way, other than the fact that I was a little tired of the Patriots winning. But it was just mind boggling how utterly terrible Manning was in the playoffs. That is, until they were down by 18. Of course, hopefully he got the heroics out his system, and Urlacher & Co. will be fisting him vigorously by the end of the 1st quarter a week from Sunday. Sentences like that last one ... that's pretty much why the ladies love me. I'm romantic.

Of course, now the talk is the Colts are going to win the whole thing. I mean, seriously? That's the angle now? For YEARS it was "Manning sucks. Manning can't win." And he finally has ONE good game in the playoff and now the Colts are favorite? Hey, that's fine with me. Keep the Bears hungry. It's not like the "experts" know what they're talking about anyway. Oh, and what was with the pre-game talk about the Brady/Manning "friendship". Anyone catch that? I don't believe that for one second. For being pals, Brady sure ran off the field pretty quick. I didn't see him wait around to congratulate any of the Colts, especially Manning. Then again, when you have Giselle Bundshcnshenen in the dressing room waiting to be plowed ... I'd probably scurry off too. "We lost? Oh well. Gotta go."

Anyway, in case you couldn't tell, I'm just talking about nothing right about now. This will probably happen a lot over the next two weeks. Just mindless chatter about the Bears and my genitals and maybe baseball or, you know, whatever. Hey, did you know the Bears are in the Super Bowl? Yeah, just wanted to say that again.

Super Bowl, Baby ... Super Bowl!!!

Unbelievable. Simply unbelievable. The best game the Bears have played in months. Anyone still want Brian Griese to start? ... Didn't think so. So pumped right now. Speaking in fragments. Bears win. Super Bowl XLI ... we're coming.

P.S. Bernard Berrian is my hero.

39-14. NFC CHAMPIONS. Boner time.

AFC/NFC Championship Predictions

No foreplay today. Just, you know, predictions. Which is like intercourse. Only with words. And less crying.

Patriots vs. Colts: Here we go again. Patriots. Manning. Hype. Replays from yesteryear. And drama. Definitely drama. Because the Patriots are Peyton Manning's kryptonite. Well, that, along with maybe winning big playoff games, playing well under pressure and controlling chin acne. Many kryptonites, but for the most part, it's the Patriots. And I think it's finally going to end. This Patriots magic has to stop sometime, doesn't it? This is the weakest Patriots team in years. The Colts have finally established a running game. They have two of the best WR's in football. And their defense is angry. Plus, Tony Dungy needs to win one sometime, doesn't he? Peyton Manning actually has to have a good playoff game sometime, right? So why not this year? The Colts don't quite deserve to have made it this far. But neither did the Patriots. But guess who has Vinatieri this time? Gostoskskonski blows the game, Manning drives them down, Vinatieri wins it. That's how the story needs to end. By the way ... Do you think when Peyton Manning saw that Patriots won last week, he just clenched his teeth and stared at the TV in silence as a single tear rolled down his cheek? Then he got up, went to the garage, huffed some paint thinner and watched a snuff film to unwind. I don't know about you, but that's how it played out in my head. Prediction: Colts

Saints vs. Bears: Ok, I know what happened last year in Louisiana was horrible, and the Saints were a remarkably terrible team. But, if the Saints weren't from New Orleans ... say they were from Akron ... would everyone be predicting them to win? Or would they just be the dome team with the lousy defense and the good QB coming to Chicago to play the #1 team in the NFC, outside. I'm just curious. And predictably, of all the ESPN "experts", none of them like the Bears. Not a single one. Well, John Clayton does. And the Accuscore computer. But that's it. Of course, the computer gets a column in the chart, but not Clayton. Probably because the computer doesn't look like a lizard with hepatitis. Also, far be it from Clayton (who is probably their best NFL analyst) to know as much as the genius "experts" like Sean Salisbury and Mark Schereth. So here's the question. Why did they all pick the Saints to win? Here are your choices:

a. Rex Grossman. Oh he's crazy. Which Grossman will show up? Honk! Honk!
b. The Saints are the hot bandwagon team.
c. Everyone at ESPN is a douche bag.
d. Other predictable nonsense that involve them talking out of their assholes.
e. All of the above.

You are right. The correct answer is (C). Everyone at ESPN is a douche bag (except for the Accuscore Computer ... good guy). I tell you what, I'm glad everyone is on their bandwagon and not ours. It was getting kind of crowded for a while. And can we please stop talking about Grossman. He's fine. The true weakness of the Bears is their lack of a run-stopping presence in the middle without Mike Brown and Tommy Harris. Two huge injuries that would have crippled most teams. Yet, here are the Bears, in the Championship game. And this one might be a shootout. And my money is on Grossman. So enjoy your stay in Chicago, Mrs. Brees, Bush, Colston and McAllister. I hope you brought your mittens. Prediction: Bears

It's Barry Bonds ... And No One Cares

This is cute. Barry Bonds thinks that Mark McGwire and Pete Rose belong in the Hall of Fame. That's like Michael Jackson saying Mark Foley deserves to lead a Boy Scout Troop. Why even bother making a statement like that? Because, honestly, people are really going to have to contemplate if Bonds himself should be in the Hall. Which is a completely ridiculous notion considering his career. But if steroids are proven, he could go the way of Pete Rose. It just boggles my mind to think of how far Bonds' stock has tumbled over the past few years. This is the guy who hit 73 HR's. Won MVP after MVP. And now what? I mean, don't get me wrong, he has always been regarded as a gargantuan asshole (whether valid or not). But he was always the asshole who was the greatest baseball player of our generation. Now, he is everyone's poster child for what's wrong in professional sports. Well, everyone but ESPN.

In fact, I would be willing to bet there is no more polarizing player in professional sports than Bonds. You either love him (which means you live in San Francisco) or hate him. I feel like there's no in between, at least now. In the case of most superstars, you might not like them, but you can respect their skill and ability. With Bonds, I'm not sure the respect is even there anymore. You're either the guy in the theater rooting for Darth Vader or you're rooting against him. That's it. Although I'd be willing to bet that if Barry Bonds started wearing Vader costume, his fan base would instantly increase by at least 17%. Granted 8% of those people would think he's great at "dunking touchdowns", but it's better than nothing at this point.

And it's not just Bonds. McGwire ... Sosa ... I mean, these guys are credited with SAVING baseball after the strike. While it's a bit of a hyperbole, it's almost incredible to believe that they don't get the love anymore. McGwire is holed up in a bunker somewhere. And Sammy? He probably works at Target now. And no one cares. Collectively, Bonds, McGwire, Sosa & others ... they are The Steroid Crew (allegedly) and they have become the heels of MLB. Without realizing it, they have morphed into the Million Dollar Man, the Iron Sheik and Mr. Sexy. And there's nothing they can do about it. It's crazy to think about. People hating McGwire and Sosa. That's like people turning on puppies and snowflakes. Palmiero you can kind of understand people turning on him ... you know, because of the mustache. But those other guys? Unbelievable.

So anyway, when Barry Bonds comes out and gives his opinion on the Hall of Fame, people smile politely and say, "Oh yeah? That's nice." It's too bad. Because he's the guy you want to tell your grandchildren stories about. But at this point, none of us really know what that story is going to be.

How Much is Lebron Worth to You?

Ok, once in a while I like to take a quick look on eBay and see what kind of wild, unadulterated craziness is going on over there. Basically, I like to marvel at the incredible prices lunatics are paying for autographed rookie sports cards. I know, right ... "Ooooooh, crazy!!!" Lawless debauchery running rampant over there. Bearded men with pizza stains on their shirts selling cardboard. It's like an underground Fight Club. And I'm blowin' the lid off that bitch. Ok, I don't even know what that means.

Anyway, back in the day, I was a pretty big card dork collector. And, well, I am pretty fascinated as to how the hobby has changed so much since the days of the shitty Topps set "with the wooden borders". It's all about the autograph rookie card (RC) nowadays. And I will admit, occasionally I get a little nostalgic and still make a purchase or two. But some of the sales, and asking prices and book values ... they're a little unbelievable. But hey, whatever. I spend most of my money on Tupperware and unicorn stickers. So I'm not one to judge. Anyway, here are some of the most incredible auctions out there right now.

1. Lebron James Autographed RC. Please, please, please check that out. It will boggle your mind. No bidders yet though. Gee, wonder why. Maybe because for $650 less, you could get this. Although come to think about it, I'd probably rather have the Lebron card.

2. Frank Gore Autographed RC. No seriously. Look at how much you can pay for a Frank Gore rookie card. I mean, he's a great running back and all. And sure the card is rare. But Frank Gore? You could probably buy your own zebra for that price. Charge people $5 to ride it. Maybe put up a lemonade stand. Charge $2 a drink ... Wow. I don't want to brag, but I'm a fucking business genius.

3. Laurence Maroney Autographed RC. The perfect gift for that Patriots fan you love. Or you could just buy them a two-person dive and float shark cage. And still have money left over. I wish I was kidding. (By the way, click on the link and check out that first picture. Those two idiots totally look safe from that Great White, don't they? Two dummies in a plastic bag and a shark thinking, "You're kidding, right?")

4. Tom Brady Autographed RC. This one is for the ladies. Not only is this Tom Brady's best rookie cards, but Upper Deck guarantees that it is only 1 out of 10 cards that he autographed AND rubbed on his balls. So if you're lucky, a stray pube might still be stuck to the hologram. And it probably smells like conquest and whatever flavor gum Bill Belichick chews.

Oh, by the way, feel free to bid on any of these. Don't let me hold you back. I'd bid on some myself, but I've got my eye on this new Tupperware set that actually features a unicorn fighting a horse. It's bad-ass. They're bitter rivals you know. Although you'd think they'd have settled their differences by now.

Beckham Brings Soccer to America

Well, would you look at that. It appears as if David Beckham's arrival "across the pond" (as assholes like to say) has already made a significant impact on MLS ticket sales. Apparently the LA Galaxy, Beckham's new team, has "... sold 5,000 season tickets since Thursday's announcement ..." which is pretty impressive. Although, if they signed Matt Leinart they would have sold out by now. But I guess one of the world's biggest soccer stars is a close second. Plus, OMG what if, like, you totally get to sit next to Victoria at the game. Like that would be, like, so rad!!! LOL! I would totally be, like, "OMG! I totally love you. Like, I have you as my IM icon. You should totally call me L8R and we'll go shoot botox into our assholes. This is totally a dream come true. I love your hair. Super Sweet!!!"

What's a little more confusing about the Beckham/MLS ticket sales correlation is that "... the expansion Toronto FC said it sold 2,600 of its 10,000 season tickets." The article made it sound like that was because of Beckham ... which sounds strange. That's like the Milwaukee Brewers selling more season tickets because the Giants signed Barry Zito. Of course, that's a ridiculous comparison, because the Brewers signed Jeff Suppan for 4-years, $42M with a partial no-trade clause. I mean, come on. What could possibly get more people into the stadium than that? Well, other than maybe "Free pony rides with Chris Capuano" or "Bud Selig Nude Photo Weekend". That last one would be awesome. Scratch and sniff. Mmmm. Sexy.

Anyway, grab your local MLS tickets now. Because you definitely won't find them on eBay for half-off in about 3 weeks.

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Thanks Robbie.

It's Bears Time

Bears fans, here's something to get you a little pumpered up. Found this on the ol' You Tube. Complimentary reach around to whoever put this together. Video quality is a tad blurry, but the music choice was excellent. GO BEARS!

The Bears. The Playoffs. Here We Go.

Let's celebrate the 2nd round with some "predictions".

Colts vs. Ravens: Sometimes, I like to imagine what players are thinking during game situations. I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but every time I see Manning flapping his arms and pointing like a lunatic I think to myself, "The Colts must hate him." When he changes the play at the line every time, Reggie Wayne & Co. must be like, "(Sigh)... What's this muthafucka saying now? 388-Stunt-what? It's 9 degrees and I can't hear shit. I hate this guy." I'm not quite sure why they even huddle. Either way, I'm just really looking forward to watching those commercials with the home videos of Peyton running around as a child again. You know, where he's wearing a Cowboy hat, chasing after his brothers. Yeah. I've seen them so many times, I think they're my own home videos. But those usually involve me wearing a see-through thong, converse high tops and a "Free Breast Exams" t-shirt. That's a story for another day. As for the Ravens, I just can't help feel that they're a little overrated. I'm probably wrong and they'll bore us to death in another Super Bowl. But hopefully Peyton can strap on a pair and actually have a good game. I'll go out on a limb here. Prediction: Colts.

Patriots vs. Chargers: I know it's the Chargers, who are arguably the best team in the NFL. But it's Marty Schottenheimer. In the playoffs. Where he stinks. Vigorously. And who's he playing? Oh look, Tom Brady and Bill Belichik. Lucky him. Maybe Marty will surprise everyone and run the ball. This is a tough game to call. But we just need another Indy/NE matchup, don't we? This time the Colts would have home-field, and Adam Vinitieri. Of course, that only means we'll see SD/BAL. As for this game, if it were in New England, I'd say 80% chance the Pats win. Since it's in SD, I'd say 60/40. Prediction: Patriots.

Eagles vs. Saints: Drew Brees blah blah blah. Marques Colston is good, etc. Poop joke. Hey look it's Reggie Bush!!! More words, insight, gossip. Eagles injuries. Sentences filled with analysis. Joke. Jeff Garcia football leather chaps Lito Shephard more words. Observations. More words. Female genitalia. Prediction: Saints.

Seahawks vs. Bears: Hear that? Those are the nervous shits lowering themselves into my ass cavity, prepping themselves for launch. Make no mistake, they're coming. I may seem calm now. But come Sunday, I'll be pacing the room like a caged animal, farting anxiously, hoping I don't spray the inside of my Tommy Harris glow-in-the-dark boxers. I'm going to be a mess. There's no denying it. And this is just the Seahawks. Either way the Bears should win. There's my in depth analysis. But here's a question ... where was Devin Hester on the NFL ROY of the Year balloting? You know, spry young fella, 2nd round draft pick out of Miami. Set a new NFL record for kickoff returns. Fast enough to outrun most spaceships. So, where was he? Oh, what's that you say? ... nowhere? Not a single vote? Awesome. He scored 6 TD's this year. Tied for most on the Bears. One more than Tiki Barber. I guess Special Teams doesn't count. As payback, Hester should run one back on Sunday and have sex with an actual seahawk in the endzone. As in, the bird. Obviously he'd have to wear those giant leather gloves for protection. But that would be great. If, you know, you're into that sort of stuff. Which I may or may not be. Prediction: Bears.

I'm Too Tough for My Own Good

Sorry, I got myself involved in a bare-knuckles Royal Rumble style street fight today. Had to protect the honor of my new lady friend who I just rescued from a gang of dragons. So, no time for a post. Playoff predictions will be up on Saturday. Sorry for the delay. But when you're overwhelmingly masculine, you tend to find yourself in these situations more often than not.