A Closet Full of Sports Poop. An irreverent look at sports and sports news.
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Hasn't Detroit Suffered Enough?
Someone needs to put Tonya Harding out of our misery. I would consider giving one or both of Chimp's kidneys away to a Indian organ farmer if it meant sending Harding into permanent exile. The former figure skater/porn failure/boxer is forcing her way into our lives again. This time, she's jumping into the world of MMA.
Harding will be fighting in the Mixed Martial Arts Extreme Cage Fight War in Detroit on January 24. That's the shorted version of the event name which is actually the Mixed Martial Arts Extreme Cage Fight War Extravaganza Super Jamberoo Explosion Super Happy Fun Time Spectacular. The event marks the 15 year anniversary of the infamous "WHY??" incident in which skater Nancy Kerrigan was punked by Harding and her associates with a pipe to the knee.
Is it wrong to hope for a Mortal Kombat-type fatality? Hopefully she'll be matched against Brock Lesnar who will pound her into Bolivian with his ham hock hands before releasing her head into the night with a Scorpion uppercut.
Monkeys Doing Anything Is Awesome
Another example of why monkeys rule and unicycles and the people that ride them suck.
Pacman Jones Surprised That Sun Rises In The Morning
Some things are guaranteed to surprise you. Find a horse head in your bed. Surprise. Shane killing Lem. Fucked up. Being cut by your team after they find out you've been involved in another shooting incident after being suspended once this season. Not so much.
The Cowboys surprisingly did the smart thing and cut Pacman Jones yesterday. There was a small matter of a 2007 incident where he arranged to have three men shot outside of an Atlanta strip club AFTER he was already suspended for a year by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.
The June 2007 shooting occurred outside a suburban Atlanta strip club. One of the shooting victims told "Outside the Lines" that he had a dispute with Jones inside the strip club and that not long after he and the two others left the club, a hail of bullets struck their car. The NFL knew about that incident, but charges were never brought against anyone because the victims did not see the shooter.
The news spurred the team to cut Pacman after just one season with the organization. There are also reports that were investigated by the Cowboys that Pacman was partying up in the club the night after their loss to the Ravens and New Years Eve in a Miami bar.
Pacman is suprised and "hurt" that he was cut by the Cowboys who stood by him this season after making owner Jerry Jones and the organization look like fools.
"Surprised? Yeah, I was surprised," said Jones, reached at his Prosper home. "All I can do is keep working hard, keep my nose clean and hope for the best."
It's possible that he could receive a lifetime ban from the league following news of this incident that occurred during his suspension. However it seems odd that he would receive the NFL death penalty for an incident that was already known to the league before he was reinstated.
In his downtime, he can try to sue ESPN as he threatened to do when asked about the report. At least he's staying positive.
"If I beat myself up, who will take care of me?" Jones said. "Football means a lot to me, but it's not everything. It's not like I'm taking it pretty good. I love me some me."
You know who also loves him some him? T.O. Someone needs to give these guys a sitcom or reality show immediately.
Maybe Lawrence Phillips can give Pacman a CFL recommendation. Rumor has it Calgary is great in February. He'll also get much love up in the Calgary clubs with their No Coloreds policies.
Ohio State Loses Big Game, Keeping Trend Alive
What do these bowl games have in common: Florida State 42 - Wisconsin 13, Missouri 30 - Northwestern 23, Kansas 42 - Minnesota 21, Georgia 24 - Michigan State 12, USC 38 - PSU 24, Texas 24 - Ohio State 21? Thats right, they all feature Big 10 football teams losing in them. Just one of the Big Ten's best and brightest has won their bowl game and that comes from the mighty Iowa who trounced a woefully overmatched South Carolina squad, 31-10. Pollsters thought so much of Iowa that they haven't been ranked all season long.
So after a thrilling finish at the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl, where the hopes and dreams of all in the Buckeye nation are driven and crushed painfully into the ground yet again, like any good Ohio sports fan's dreams should be, that makes the mighty Big Ten conference 1 for 7 in bowl games. 7 bowl games played and this conference can only muster one win, and that game could have been most Big 10 teams homecoming game the way South Carolina played its last 3 games this year.
As down in the dumps as people say the ACC and Pac-10 are in football these days, even they as conferences put up more of a fight than the pantywaists in the Big 10. Four bowl wins for the ACC and the Pac-10 went a perfect 5 for 5 in their bowl games.
So much for the Big Ten being the midwest powerhouse...more like the midwest pussycats.
Not exactly what you want to have happen while out on a dive but Greg Robertson speared himself with a speargun in Coolum, Australia the other day right in his groin. Not that there is ever a good place for you to spear yourself, but the groin has to be up there in the top five with places you'd rather not shoot yourself with a giant barbed spearhead. Paramedics had a good laugh though:
"A big wave knocked him into the rocks, he lost his spear and the spear rebounded off one of the rocks and got him right near the groin," Casey said.
"The spear's barbed on the end, so it's locked in there. He got up and said 'It's in me, it's in me!
"He's ok now. He's still conscious and talking.
"He'll probably have a laugh about it in a week. We joked about it...we told them to not spear themselves and mistake themselves for a fish and then it actually happened."
"He certainly could have come off a lot worse than he did. Initially he did say that he thought he got washed into another rock, but when the wave drew back he realised, 'Oh dear, there's a big metal thing stuck in my leg'.
"And I asked him if he caught any fish and he didn't. But if you are going to have one bump a year, you may as well get it out of the way of the first day of the year."
Yea, if I have one bump a year i'd prefer it to be me banging my big toe against my coffee table and not having a giant spear shot into my groin, but whatever. Least the guy is ok. Happy new year to you Greg Robertson!
Pop the bubbly, happy new year. The Deuce is back and fully operational.
Merry Christmas, See You Next Year
Ok, so Mustafa is in Africa and I am going to Pittsburgh, PA for the holidays with the future Mrs. Rage's family, which means no one is going to be posting on the Deuce for a little while. So Merry Christmas to you all and we will see you late in this year or perhaps the new year. Cheers.
Harris Barton and Ronnie Lott Owe People A Lot of Money
It appears awesomeness is not enough to make it in the world of finance. HRJ Capital, an investment firm started by Harris Barton, Ronnie Lott and Joe Montana(EDIT:Apparently Joe Montana left the company in 2005) (HRJ get it) all formerly of the San Francisco 49ers, is about to get taken over. HRJ apparently owes Silicon Valley Bank a staggering 69 million dollars. Sixty-nine million dollars. I mean, who would've thought 3 ex athletes would have no idea what they were doing in the world of private equity and finance? Don't get mad at me, even actual financial analysts say that what they were doing was pretty dumb.
In the financial equivalent of a Hail Mary pass, HRJ apparently doomed itself by using the firm as collateral on a bridge loan as it was attempting to raise $250 million. It was able to raise only about half that amount — between $110 million and $130 million — yet it had committed the entire $250 million for investments, according to a report from Thomson Reuters.
"Yes, that's just as dumb as it sounds," wrote Dan Primack, the top private-equity analyst at Thomson Reuters, and founder and editor of the www.pehub.com Web site.
"It's very hard to kill off a PE firm," he said. "The significance here to me is that one is actually dying. This is an exceptional case."
Exceptional indeed. I wonder how some of their well regarded clients like Andre Agassi, Jerry Rice, Tim Duncan or Oscar de la Hoya feel about it? I don't care how tough Ronnie Lott or Harris Barton were in their prime, I wouldn't want to be the one to tell Oscar de la Hoya that you just lost a few million of his dollars. Ouch.
Former NFL Cheerleader MILF Slums It, Then Gives Away $140k
Former Baltimore Raven's Cheerleader Molly Shattuck has decided to use her powers for good instead of evil. She's a mom, she's formerly the oldest member of the Ravens cheerleading squad at 38, she's a rich socialite, she's hot, she's climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro and she's active in public service. Basically, she is one of the greatest people on the planet that should make you take a hard look at your life and realize how little you have done with it. Well, she's so amazing that she decided to show up on Fox's television show Secret Millionaire to slum it for a week, find some needy people who deserve a break and then give them one.
In this case, Molly gave out checks of $20,000 each to two different people, a yard full of toys for a bunch of needy kids and a check for $100,000 for a lady who runs a food pantry but her own house is falling apart around her.
Amazing woman huh? This pretty much means her kids will always win the "My Mom is better than your Mom" argument right there. What has your mom done lately? What have YOU done lately? Wait...what the hell have I done lately? I mean i woulda gone and climbed Mt. Kilimanjarp but, ya know, the freakin Redskins started out so well this year, i couldn't leave and not see their inevitable collapse. Sigh... From RealityTV Magazine
The $800 Fantasy Football Championship Trophy
There is no way in the world that anyone should buy this. An 800 dollar fantasy football trophy for the richest of the fantasy football geeks out there. Its the limited edition fantasy football trophy by Titlecast and they will hand craft you the finest trophy ever made for your meaningless fantasy sports league. They even have a custom made one that spares no expense, so awesome they don't even have a price quote for it.
Dear God, if anyone actually has one of these for their league, send me a picture of you with it so I can mercilessly mock you on a daily basis.
Corie Blount Probably Should Have Just Stuck To Smoking Weed
I am a huge fan of the Showtime show "Weeds". Its one damn good witty dramedy type show right there. Its never inspired me to become a purveyor of pot however, but in looking at Corie Blount's case before a grand jury it seems he might have been into the show more than me. Dude got arrested when police stopped 11 pounds of marijuana from reaching his grandmother's house and, as a bonus, they found 18 more pounds of weed in his OWN house. I hope for Blount's sake his grandma isn't like the weed dealing grandma Heylia on the tv show, because you he wouldn't ever want to show his face around her house again.
Holy fancy dancin Jesus that is a lot of pot. Sure its not as much as Nate Netwon who got caught with 213lbs of the sacred herb in his car, then a few weeks later got arrested with another 175lbs of the mary jane, but maybe the 3 guns and nearly $30,000 also confiscated will get him a little bit more cred in the American Professional Sports Criminals Club.
Yea i just made that club up. But if that existed, doesn't Rae Carruth have to be the president?
1914-2008 "The Greatest Washington Redskins Player"
Hang Tough While Matt Cassell And The Patriots Debacle Your Ears
This has been around since the summer but it's new to us. This must have been so much cooler in the summer when Matt Cassell was a high school starter. The last backup we saw kick it like this was Kyle Boller busting some moves for charity.
An anonymous source called this horrific. It's so bad Emmitt Smith would probably start speaking the Queen's English after watching it.
Adriano's F**ked Up And Got The 8-Ball Rollin'
The 40 oz in Adriano's lap is freezing his balls and the Special One is not amused. The talented Brazilian striker's time may have run out at Inter Milan after he was sent home from training by manager Jose Mourinho for showing up drunk last Thursday.
Training after the defeat by Bremen was set to resume at 10.30am. The Brazilian arrived in good time but in a very bad state. The coach saw this and asked him to leave the training centre.
Gazzetta dello Sport describes Mourinho as "inevitably furious" after the incident. Adriano is obviously not aware of the damage the Special One can do when crossed. Former Chelsea striker Adrian Mutu found out after testing positive for coke. He was tossed off the team and banned from play. After several court battles, he now owes Chelsea £13.68m for breach of contract. Lesson? Do not fuck with Jose.
This isn't the first incident involving Adriano and alcohol. He's well known for his partying ways even back in Brazil where he fled last year after going a bit insane in Milan. Inter was nice enough to let him go back to Brazil and get his head straight. After promising to change his ways, he was pictured out on the same night with everyone's favorite tranny connoisseur, Ronaldo.
Good times! Hope Ronaldo has space on his couch. Adriano returned this season and already has shown up to training wrecked several times in addition to being seen out in the clubs and showing lackluster effort on the pitch. It's surprising that Mourinho has tolerated this behavior for so long but maybe he feels differently about Adriano than he did about Mutu. It's not as though he's the main or only option up front. Inter has the talented Swedish international Zlatan Ibrahimovic as well as the young Mario Balotelli (who is going to be a star before long). The two of them make Adriano excess to requirements. Inter would probably be best served cutting him loose and sending him back to Brazil before he completely turns into the Brazilian Gazza.
Is Next. Bundesliga Wear ... Very Nice
I remember watching Moscow on the Hudson when I was younger and thinking that every Warsaw Pact country resembled movie Moscow with no choices and long lines. I also thought smoke stacks filled the skylines and everything was in black and white. Good job, American propaganda but guess what. We were wrong.
The West, especially Wendy's, owes the former Eastern Bloc a big apology. Who knew they were trying to prevent infiltration by things such as this disastrous union of soccer, fashion and 70s Germans?
Don't try to tell me goofballs weren't involved in this vomitorium of color and bad haircuts. If I were a Communist leader, I too would feel it my duty to never allow such nonsense into my country even at the cost of my people's freedom. You shame Erick Honecker and Ceausescu now but that's only because you don't see the big picture like they did.
The (Hopefully) Triumphant Return Of Tony Bruno
If you don't know, you better ask somebody. Tony Bruno is back. For those who don't live in the Los Angeles area or were unaware of Into The Night on local station KLAC AM 570, he's been on the air since September. He went national last week as Westwood One launched Into The Night on 20 stations and hopefully more to come in the near future.
We're not going to front. We're huge Bruno fans here at the Deuce. Daulerio interviewed him back in June when he was still unemployed. It was great to finally know how he was doing however the interview was somewhat bitter and a bit of a downer like horse tranquilizers as he discussed his difficulty finding a job. He's simply one of the best in sports radio. Of course, you may disagree but you probably think clowns like Kevin Cowherd, Mike and Mike, the Sports Junkies or Michael Kay are good.
You may remember Bruno from his days on Fox Sports Radio with Andrew Siciliano or even further back on the four letter word. Now that was good sports radio. He, along with partner Tim Cates, is in great form. There may be comparable quality in local markets such as the Sports Reporters in DC but we'll take Bruno any day over the vast majority of national hosts.
This post is way too positive for us so let Tony debacle your ears as he gets his Shania Twain on. Yaaaarghh!!
If you don't hate him after that, you can catch the podcasts of past Into The Night shows on http://am570radio.com. Thank us later while listening to Tony instead of whatever douche you're stuck with now. We have no affiliation or contacts with KLAC or Westwood One. Just figure it's good to push whatever good sports radio is left on the airwaves.
The Phillies See The Mets An Oldboy
Cole Hamels and the Phillies are not impressed with the Mets' signings Francisco Rodriguez and JJ Putz. Welcome to Philadelphia, Chan Ho Park. Park signed a one year deal with the Phillies that could bring him about $5 million with bonuses.
The Phillies first signed 36 year old Raúl Ibáñez and now they've matched the Mets with the signing of journeyman Park. The former Dodger had a 3.40 ERA and 5 starts over 95 innings. Philly's status as world fucking champions (NSFW language if you can't guess) and his belief that he would come in as a starter convinced Park to choose Philly over other suitors but it's hard to believe that would be a regular in the rotation.
Park will probably be more useful coming out of the bullpen and of course for situations such as the following:
What Mets player will run away from a fight this year when Park unleashes his signature flying scissors kick at him?
Yes, the music and leadup are awful. It's not Linkin Park rap/rock or "Here Comes The Boom" but still, forgiveness please.
Good Looking QB's Make More Money
No wonder Jeff George hasn't been able to get back into the league, he's just too ugly for football. A study by economists David Berri, Rob Simmons and Jennifer Van Gilder theorizes that quarterbacks that have the facial symmetry that is statistically considered to be "good looking" actually make more money in the NFL than uglier quarterbacks. They looked at Qb's from 1995-2006 and how they looked, their salaries, and a whole bunch of other data to come to this conclusion.
“We collected data on how good-looking they are. This is something that you can empirically measure,” Berri said by phone. “The NFL takes pictures of every quarterback and you can measure the symmetry of a person’s face. That is a measure of attractiveness.
“We got the pictures, took the measurements and we simply plugged that into our model that we already had constructed. Turned out that they symmetry of a person’s face was statistically related to their salary. The results were strongest for the quarterbacks who don’t get on the field as much. So the quarterbacks at the lower end of the income distribution, they’re the ones who see the biggest payoff.”
Good-looking quarterbacks such as the Titans’ Kerry Collins make more than $300,000 per year than the factors would forecast. Jeff George, who didn’t score as high on the beauty scale, was paid less.
I think the crazy thing is that they consider Kerry Collins to be a good looking man. Couldn't they use a better example like male model Tom Brady or something? That is the picture of male attractiveness right there? Yeesh.
The good thing about this study is that for guys like JP Losman or David Carr...now we might know why they are still hanging around this league despite the fact that they can't play a lick of quarterback in the NFL. All show and no substance, Jeff George must have read this and put his fist through a wall.
Having played his way out of the NBA, Bonzi Wells apparently cannot even be signed by a European league basketball team as he just signed with Shanxi Zhongyu, a team trying to get out of the bottom of the Chinese basketball association. Bonzi seems confident that this marriage will work out:
"I will not have any problems with the coaches. I am not a bad boy," the Basketball Pioneers newspaper on Monday quoted Wells as saying.
"When I was with Portland I had that image but I was young and didn't understand. At the time I was a little excessive."
*This is a pretty stream of consciousness rant...but I need to get all this off my chest*
A season that started out so promising at 6-2 has essentially come to a close with 2 games left and a mediocre record of 7-7 that, at this point, looks to be better than it should be the way the Redskins have played the last 6 weeks. The most brainwashed of Redskins fans will take the glass half full approach. They will say "Before the season started, we would be happy to have this record, quit your whining". That is sad if someone thinks that.
Personally, I am not ever happy with a team I am a fan of being average at best. How did it get to this point? In my youth this team was a three time champion, now as an adult, this team is a joke...and why? Well, here's why.
Daniel Snyder, he of good intentions and a full pocketbook, has no idea how to actually run a football organization. He may or may not know this and that is scary. What is even more frightening is that Daniel Snyder doesn't hire good football people to run his organization either. But, you say, he hired Joe Gibbs! Who is more of a football person than Joe Gibbs? I have an answer for that...Joe Gibbs when Snyder hired him wasn't a football person anymore, he was a NASCAR person so shut the hell up. People don't leave the game of football for 15 years and suddenly jump right back in and know what the hell is going on, its impossible, and that was proven as he slowly hired people to do his job for him in his tenure here.
Snyder then makes Vinnie Cerrato the GM and allows him to run the draft. What happened there? Disaster. 3 picks in the 2nd round has turned into 3 receivers who have caught a combined 18 passes for 127 yards. Awesome. What other receivers could we have taken in the 2nd round? Jordy Nelson ( 30 catches, 330 yards), John Carlson (51, 601), Eddie Royal (75, 847), or Desean Jackson (53, 775). We picked 3 receivers, none of them combined are as good as any one of those rookies. You have to try really hard to fail that bad.
The offensive line is old, they knew it would be old, it was old everywhere. They picked 1 tackle. The defensive line is old, they knew it would be old, it was old everywhere. They picked 1 end...in the 7th round. They picked 1 cornerback who couldn't even be effective on special teams, they picked a punter in the 6th round that was cut in the middle of the season, they picked a quarterback they didn't need, as a matter of fact, the only pick that apparently was a steal was Chris Horton, their last pick, which looks like pure dumb luck since they were so bad at the previous 9 picks.
So they didn't fix any problems from the previous season in the draft. They also signed their running back who has more wear than 95% of the other backs in the league to a multi-year extension. They have 1 good wide receiver and 1 good tight end who both get double teamed because they have no other threats. They have no pass rush because their line is old and slow, which puts too much pressure on their surprisingly solid linebacking corps, which in turn puts a ton of pressure on their corner backs to play man defense, neutering their best defensive player Laron Landry because he has to play center field all day to cover for anyone's mistakes. And they hire their rookie offensive coordinator to be their rookie coach.
That might still be a good move but right now Zorn has much to prove, the hiccups in the installation of his offense are quite apparent. Right now, the team isn't build for the Zorn version of the "West-Coast" style of offense. It was built to be a power running/play action team (and wasn't good at that either). On top of that, after Zorn surprised the league with his play calling in the first 8 games, the league caught up to him like a rookie pitcher the 2nd time around. It is almost like everyone know what play is coming except the Redskins' since they're always offsides, lining up wrong, blocking in the wrong protection mode, or running the wrong routes.
The team is not very disciplined right now, the offensive playcalling has been stagnant and if Greg Blache wasn't such an amazing defensive coordinator, the Redskins would never, ever have a chance in this year's NFL.
So since everything is wrong with the Redskins, what needs to be done? More pain and misery before the gettin gets good. The team needs to take a hard look at the players on the team and make some cuts...a lot of them. This team needs to be gutted, the front office and scouting department needs to be fired and a real football mind needs to take charge. Veterans need to be traded for draft picks if possible or cut if there are no takers. This team needs a complete overhaul and it has to be done as soon as possible because putting it off is not the way to have sustained success in this league.
Yes, i'd rather lose with a bunch of promising rookies and found talent than lose with these high priced has-beens. At least one way, you can see the future growing, right now, the only thing growing is my discontent.
You Too Can Skate At Wrigley Field
I'm not much of an ice skater, the few times I have gone I've ended up on my ass more often than not, but this is just pretty cool. Wrigley Field is installing a hockey rink for the Winter Classic, a hockey game featuring the Chicago Blackhawks and Detroit Red Wings on Jan. 1 and it is opening the rink up to the public to skate on January 4th for the low low price of $10.
The odds of ever getting to be on the field of Wrigley are pretty slim for normal joes and joettes, so this might just be the one chance people can have to get onto it, even if it is completely covered in ice. I am not even a Cubs fan but I would love to say that I fell and chipped a tooth on the field of Wrigley Field after faceplanting on the ice.
My Name Is Victory And I'm The Best, All The Serie A Players Want To Feel My...
I don't know what the Daily Mail is implying but it sure seems like they're banking on David Beckham having some 'splaining to do by the time he's finished in Milan. First come the rumors of him getting a place near a red-light district and now come warnings of a high-pro soccer ho making the rounds of Serie A players.
Dateline Milan. The Daily Mail headline reads "Beckham can bank on at least one admirer in Milan as Italian player claims: Serie A stars have paid me for sex". A Serie C player named Victory claims that he's slept with 12 Serie A players in hotels and locker rooms.
'I am talking about important players,' said Victory in a televised interview with TV station La 7. 'Serie A players even internationals and married players.
'We are talking about more than just kissing.'
'I charge 1500 euros (£1300) and the players pay up no problem. Most of the time we meet in hotels after matches, that's when they get their only free time.
'I have about 30 clients who are footballers and I would say that a dozen are Serie A and national team players - several times I have been asked to take part in group sex sessions.
The article has pictures of Beckham throughout and notes that he'll be arriving in Milan very soon. Why don't they come out and just say that Beckham's first Italian victory will be all over his...Whoa, dude. Don't be surprised if the British tabloids start sending agents to Milan in an attempt to trap Beckham in some funny business. Just ask Sven Goran-Eriksson how that works.
One of These Three Is Not Like The Other
What the heck is this dude doing in a body building competition? Looks like he just walked in off the street, threw on some tanning lotion and got out on stage. Hilarious.
NAJEH LIVES TO PLAY ANOTHER DAY
Oft signed and cut patron saint of the Deuce of Davenport, Najeh "Deuce" Davenport has just been signed, for the 3rd time this season, by an NFL team. The Indianapolis Colts have decided to give the thrice cut former Steelers running back a shot on the team with Joseph Addai ailing in their backfield. Najeh this year has amassed a total of 2 carries for 5 yards, with a long run of 3 yards.
